The Bravery of Being Out of Range

Usability

2009-07-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start doing a few posts on usability. I'm a programmer as most of you know, and this is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis. When it comes to the vast subtopics that are involved in programming, I pretty much geek out on two topics: Languages and Usability. I'm not a crazy security guy, I'm not a crazy standards guy, I'm not a crazy performance guy and I'm not a crazy encryption guy (Alex :D.) I care about these things, but I don't think about them outside of work much, and they aren't a part of my job that gets me excited. I'm glad for the people that do.

For any non-programming people out there that actually read my blog: The nice thing about usability as a subject is that you can relate to as well. Possibly even better than I can. If you've ever had the crap annoyed out of you by a program or web site that did things in a way that simply did not make sense, then you can relate. I think that this covers just about everyone who's ever used software, ever.

Most of all, I'd really like feedback on these particular posts. Tell me what you think.

I'll get the first one posted soon.

Change The World

2009-03-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

I wrote a poem when I was in fourth grade. I can't recite it for you now, my memory fails me. The theme, however was about how I would change the world (if I could.) The lines bounced between being trivial and being very serious. At first that was accidental, and then it was because my teacher told me to stick with it.

What makes me sad, thinking back on it was that I mentioned the Gulf war. This makes me feel bad, because I know that if I was being honest - I didn't give a shit about the Iraq war when I was in fourth grade. I cared about video games, riding my bike and to a very small extent - girls. I feel like I was somehow pressured into mentioning the war. I felt like I was supposed to care.

I don't know why I thought of this randomly on the way home from work yesterday.

I don't like being dishonest, and I never seem to forget the times that I am.

So, sorry Mr. Ostrander. I really didn't care. I think you knew that.

Progress

2008-10-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

The day started off like any Monday. I started working and chatting with Irina in between things. Monday is the begining of my week and so often the time that I am most aware of time passing and having passed. So it occured to me that we are still waiting on the visa to progress. I double checked my email. Still nothing from the lawyers. I was kind of in a dark mood about it. It has taken all of my energy to be patient, level-headed and non-emotional about it, and I've maintained for the most part.

Still, I sighed and checked the government visa status site. Every time I've checked it, it's said that the visa is pending, and I was fully expecting to just see the same thing. The page loaded and it said that the visa had been accepted. I read it again. "Accepted."

I stared at the word on the screen. Irina's pending messages flashed in the taskbar below...

Suddenly everything fell in on me in my mind. I choked for a second and my eyes filled with quiet tears. Tears of join, and tears of all of the stress, anger and sadness being released all at once to be immediately resolved as I stared through tear-stained eyes at that word again...

"Accepted."

I gathered my composure back and told Irina. Her webcam was on, and I could see the weight being lifted from her as well.

I ran around telling everyone at work. Whether they were people who would care or not. I didn't care. I wanted to scream.

There is still more steps, but this was a big one. I feel that we can both take a deep breath now.

Post 60

2008-09-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

The summer is fading away. Everything blew up last month. It seems to me that this is just an August "thing."

So I've been staring at the fallout. The fall out of broken hearts and widening gaps between the souls of friends. I'd like to tell you that I've made some phenomenal use of the solitude that this has all afforded me with, but I haven't anything to show you for it. There is peace in my heart.

People ask me a lot how I'm doing lately. Not because I'm looking troubled, but because anytime anyone sees me outside of official business lately, it's the first time they've seen me in a while. I've been reclusive. I've been a bit elusive. I've been answering the phone when Ira calls, and often staring at it listlessy otherwise.

So when people ask that question, I'm forced to say "Just as you expect: work, band, Irene." This is not stated in weariness or dismissiveness. It's just that all three of those topics are what you would call "a long story." It's hard to talk about work without saying much the same as everyone else. It's hard to talk about the band without sounding a bit lost. It's hard to talk about Irene without exposing the intensity of my feelings for her and making someone uncomfortable.

And really none of any of that needs spoken about. People can read it on my face.

So this is me in September. In many ways, it's the most hopeful and pleasent time of the year. This year is no exception.

What is different is that most years this is a time of closing. And now it's just the opposite. In spite of the storm described so briefly above, I find myself anxiously awaiting the changes that come with this last quarter of the year. Irene's arrival. A change to our government that I'm hoping will be the right one. The begining of a new life for me, and the ends of the preparation for that.

I stand at the edge of it all with no regrets, but no wistfullness for days passed. A calm peace in my mind, but a quiet excitement longing to scream out in joy.

Armenia Trip Four

2008-07-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Armenia. As usual, I'm feeling refreshed, happy and can't seem to get the smile off of my face.

Some highlights from the trip.

Khor Virap - We went and visited this site. It's an old church with a pit that they had filled with vipers and put St. Gregory the Illuminator in. Beautiful architecture, beautiful walls, and the pit was exciting to go down into. Irina snapped some excellent photos, which one of us will post very soon. I should be able to give you a more educated bit on the background. I fully intend to read more on this, but right now I have only to go on the sights and experience. It was awesome.

Fountains - We went and saw the fountains at Republic Square in Armenia. Again, photos are forthcoming. It's hard to do justice to just how amazing and cool this was. Basically there was a series of independently operated fountains shooting at various rhythms and heights with colored lights illuminating them to make the water appear in different colors. Somehow it seemed like a visual music to me. I was kind of lost in it all for a bit. We were with Irina's friends Avag, Niko and Gabriel. Cool guys. It was great :)

Karaoke - We went out to a karaoke bar. It was pretty fun and a good time. Her friends sang beautifully. I did my old stand-by "Sweet Caroline" but it didn't come out to great as the backing music was MIDI and it seemed to me was in a different key than the original piece. Also the microphone wasn't on for the first half of the first verse. We were basically the only ones there as well. There was a separate bar area with some other patrons, but no real stage or anything. You just kind of stood in the middle of a room and read off of an overhead screen. That aside, the general ambience of the place was fantastic. Dark and comfortable. I liked it a lot. Irina had a bit of a buzz coming out of there from one big strong drink. It was funny :)

Cactus - A mexican restaurant. Good food there, and very authentic. The Jalepeno poppers are not to my liking though. They keep the seeds in and it makes the whole thing way to hot to even enjoy. Even for my tastes (and I like it HOT!) Not a great time there this time. We were rushed and we both left overfilled and kind of sluggish.

Opera House - We watched a really awesome dance show. Much of it was Armenian dances and some traditional things. To be honest, I thought that it would be marginally enjoyable. Much of the older european classical music is boring to me, and kind of predictable and derivative. As a student of music and theory, I am blasphemous to say so, but I'm being honest. The music and dance here were anything but boring and predictable. The music was rapturous, had *strong* and fantastic beats, and the dancing was with complete abandon and was both expressive and impressive in technique. My eyes were glued to the stage. I kind of missed the first half of the show as I was tired and was feeling a bit sick, but I was better after a break and a drink, and from the first song of the second half, I was entranced. Like the fountains, it's hard to explain this experience. We have some videos, which we should post. Even as I write about it, the music and dance from the first few pieces haunt me. I plan to find out what the songs were and where I can get recorded performances of them.

Goharic's - I probably just butchered the spelling on this poor woman's name. Irina will correct me on it later. We visited there, and it was very cool to see another Armenian family. There is a closeness and a respect and love between them that was something that I haven't seen around here in a long time. The husband was funny and in good spirits. The wife was charming and a great hostess. There little daughter was quiet, but attentive and smiling. The older son was his own guy, but seemed to maintain a respect and a love for his family. While I was there, I played a five game series of backgammon against the husband (and won.) Not bad for my first time at the game, but in fairness, he was giving me tutorial through the entire thing. It's a fun game, and I liked it very much. Irina joked that I would stay in Armenia then not for her, but to play countless games of backgammon with this man.

Sveta and Hovik's work - It was interesting to see where they worked. To see an office building and a pair of offices in Armenia. One really nice thing was that her mother had up some drawings that Irina had done, and some photos, etc.

Amazon - We went to this restaurant on Irina's birthday. The food was excellent. I ordered a long island iced tea that was kind of lackluster, but otherwise a good experience. Irina brought the laptop that I got her and showed a video that she had made for me (more on that later.) Good conversation, and it was nice to see her so happy and smiling and surrounded by her friends. I felt very lucky to be with her. I always do, but somehow especially at one moment there.

Vernisage - We didn't hang out for long. It was really hot and the middle of the last day. Still, it's neat to go there. This time was no exception. It's like an outdoor flea market with passionate sellers. I got a flute/recorder type instrument from an old man there, and we got a few other gifts for people back in the US.

Bass - We spent some time just hanging out back at the hotel. I love that place. For a very reasonable price you can get a nice suite with all the ammenities you would want. The staff there is all very nice and very accomodating. We spent many afternoons relaxing there in the air conditioning between our adventures. It started to feel very domestic and nice. Like we were living together. Irina said it afterwards and I realized how true it was. We watched several episodes of Scrubs, which Irina loved and made me leave the DVDs for the first six seasons :D She's been watching them since I left.

Irina's House - Obviously many visits here. It was nice. Great food, and her ever-hospitable and ever-kind family. The only sting was that her grandmother mentioned that I should learn Russian better. She's right of course, and I was sad and a bit disappointed in myself for not having grown much in my russian since my first visit. Later, Irina was out of the room and her mother was sitting and seemed to be talking about how her feet were hurting. I kind of agreed with her and it seemed that she said something in russian about me not understanding what she was saying. I might have been wrong on that one, but it made me think of it again. I need to get back to it. I'm going to get Rosetta Stone as soon as I get back caught up with things.

Gifts - Irina got me a *really* cool new phone that I'm still playing with to figure out. I need to get a new charger for it with a US adapter. She also made me a very special present :) A video montage of our photos together and some of her lip synching to "The One" as it plays throughout. I keep watching this evening and thinking of how great everything is with her. I got her a notebook, and she's having fun with it. One funny moment was when I was giving her the specs and I said that it had 3 gigs of memory. Something was lost in translation and she thought that I meant disk space and kind of said "oh well it's okay...I'll keep photos on another drive or on the main computer..." :) As you can imagine, she was happy to hear that the hard drive was actually 160 Gigs.

That's it for now. I'm sure that I'm missing some things (probably some really important things.) It's hard to put it all together in my brain right now. I always come back with memories hard to put into words, and more of a feeling and a state of being than a story.

It's hard to imagine that it's possible for me to be so, but I'm more sure than ever that I'm marrying the perfect girl.

I love Irina.

Advice to the Young Developer Pt. 1

2008-06-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

This is my advice to the young developer. This is targeted to pre-college age people who are interested in programming.

Choose a language and platform that will deliver results quickly.

Unfortunately, I think this is missed in a lot of other similar advice. You need to pick a platform that's going to give you useful and fun results to play with. This will maintain your interest, encourage you to quickly expand your knowledge, and most importantly be fun.

A lot of other lists/articles to the same effect will advise that you should learn C first because it's a necessary and fundamental language. A lot of people will advise that you should learn Lisp first because it's theoretically beautiful and teaches many language concepts in a pure way. This is fine and good, but for your *first* language, I think that it's more important to choose something fun and something that will excite you. Lisp and C are fun, but they are fun in a way that is easier to appreciate later.

My advise for a first language is Visual Basic.NET. Microsoft offers a free and complete IDE with everything that you need to get going in one easy to install package. Importantly, they include a designer for creating desktop and web applications visually and quickly without having to learn an entire graphics toolkit just to get a working application. The learning curve is very small, and they will both give you skills that you use later in learning other languages. Contrary to previous versions of Visual Basic, VB.NET is not particularly poisonous in terms of teaching bad habits. It's fun, easy, and you can make a usable and useful program within a week.

As an alternative, download python. This language has many of the same qualities as VB.NET, with a slightly terser syntax. The only reason why it is my second choice is that it has a smaller built-in library and does not offer a solid and standard designer and framework for creating desktop or web based applications. It can be done with separate downloads and toolkits, but it is not immediately obvious, and without a designer, you will spend more time getting up and running.

Participate in Forums and Online Communities

You can learn a lot by participating in these communities. Ask questions, read articles, and participate in discussions. Always be mindful of where you stand knowledge-wise and be respectful of others when asking or answering questions, or simply engaging in discussion.

Do not be sucked in to politics

As you participate in communities and forums about your language of choice, do not fall prey to religious arguments about programming. Many programmers have strong opinions about their craft, including those with a great deal of experience. Most of these arguments really come down to personal preference and applicability to different fields, skill sets and levels of expertise. Wasting your time arguing about opinions takes away time that you could be learning or writing software.

Be Patient, Self Aware, and Humble

Know what you know. Know what you do not know. Never feel bad about what you do not know. As long as you are improving and learning, you can only get better.

Learn Technologies as you Learn Programming

Learn about databases, learn about XML, learn about network protocols, learn about specific APIs offered for writing plugins for your favorite game or application. Use your first language as a tool to explore these technologies where possible. Try different things without worrying that your code isn't perfect.

Don't Ignore Theory

Focus initially on getting things done and making fun applications, but in doing so, do not skip over making sure that you have an understanding of what you are working with. Learning the fine details of the language and of the associated technologies is very important.

Don't buy "For Dummies" books

I'm not just talking about the "For Dummies" series. This generally includes anything with the words "For Dummies", "Idiot's Guide", "In 21 days", "Quick Start", etc. These books teach very little and give a very shallow view of the technology that they are written about. Generally, the same content that they offer can be found quickly and for free on the internet. Most damaging is the tone and attitude of these books. Programming is not something for "dummies" and "idiots" to "learn in 21 days" and "quickly start" doing professionally.

Do Buy Other Language Books

Those bigger books that look scary and out of your league actually aren't. They are what you should be buying. They generally start at the same place as the books mentioned previously but they go farther and offer a lot more insight into the workings of a language. When you are looking for a book to buy, make sure that it is a book that offers a good balance between explaining how to do things and what you are actually doing.

Buy General Programming and Technology Books

At this stage, you shouldn't be buying anything that's industry related and teaching you how to be a "professional developer," but you should be buying books on best practices, books on programming as a craft/artform, etc. I strongly advise you to buy the book "Code" by Charles Petzold. It is informative, inspirational, accessible, and will teach you a lot about what you are doing.

If You Can, Find a Mentor

Find a programmer who is smart, passionate and has some experience. Even if they can only afford you a small piece of their time to occasionally answer questions, this will be extremely valuable to you as you learn. Be respectful of their time, and always be sure to only ask questions that you can not easily find the answer to elsewhere.

3.5 Weeks

2008-06-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm heading back to Armenia in three-and-a-half weeks, and I couldn't be more excited. Irina's 21st birthday is coming up as well and I'll be there for that :)

I can't wait to see her. It's been six long months apart and I'm so excited have her run into my arms at the Zvartnots airport again.

I guess that I don't have much to say, I'm just sitting here looking through the tickets and itinerary for the thousandth time.

2008-06-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

New screencast posted over on devthink, to anyone not regularly reading my other blog ;)

DevThink

Release, Sleep and a Return to Armenia

2008-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

This has been a busy week. The third major version of our software suite at work was released today. For me, that means four different applications (installers, documentation, release notes, testing, etc.) It's been a stressful couple of weeks, to say the least. I've been looking forward to Friday all week. So here I am at Friday, and I'm feeling a bit relieved. Just not for the reasons that I thought. I'm still a bit ansy and nervous about the release, but I've found solace in an otherwise pleasent and humorous week.

Foremost has been, of course, Irina. I've been single for most of my adult life, and contrary to the reputation I've made for myself, I've always been fine on my own. And yet now, I can honestly say that I don't know what I'd do without Irina. Whenever the stresses in life become too much, she's always there to talk me down and relax me.

Also, in spite of a rough work week, I've gotten a lot of good news this week.

I've planned a trip to Armenia for July. After thinking about the fact that this whole engagement/K1 visa thing has been taking longer than I thought, I realized that we're going to have to see eachother sometime very soon.

Better news came when my parents offered to loan me the money for the plane tickets out there. This is going to let me make the trip for Irina's birthday, and for that I'm very grateful and excited. I've already got her presents picked out ;)

Next, the final application piece of the K1 Visa has finally been submitted. It's been hell getting all of the paperwork together and then sending it back and forth for corrections all while a thousand voices have been asking "So when's your fiancee going to be here???" It's a great relief and a weight off of my shoulders. Most of all I'm just anxious for it to be all over and for her to be here...

Next, on Tuesday my economic stimulus check came. For my Armenian visitors, an explanation may be in order. This year, our government here has decided that to make up for making an absolute wreck of our economy (by blowing all our money on a meaningless war that I'm sure you're all at least marginally aware of) they've decided that they will send everyone $600 (plus $300 per child you are supporting.) Obviously, for me this amounts to...$600. I don't necessarily agree that the program is the best way to "stimulate the economy" (especially since they are suggesting that everyone in the US blow the money on luxury goods as soon as possible in a beautiful act of oh so typical american overconsumption.) Anyway, I shouldn't be bitching too much. I'm 600 dollars richer, and I was happy to get it as far as the small picture goes.

Among other things, this allowed me to do something nice for my sister-in-law. I bought her a nice pair of purple shoes that she'd seen in the mall and wanted very much. This should've been a simple operation, but ended up involving me driving to the other side of the city to a non-local store in rush hour after a few trips to the local store to clarify that I wanted the shoes in a size eight. In the end, I did get the shoes, and delivered them to her and she was ecstatic and surprised.

Last night and today were the strange ending. I got home from work last night at around 6:00PM. I fell asleep right away, and didn't wake up until Irene called at 12:00AM. I tried to go back to sleep, with no success. I then stayed up playing World of WarCraft until 4:00AM. Then I decided that I'd get some sleep. This lasted for about an hour and a half. So I'm up again at 5:30AM for the rest of the day.

I wasn't tired for the first bit of work, but I felt a bit physically out of sorts and over-energized for the morning, and burnt out and depressed by the second half of the day. Bob and Steve were out of the office in the morning visiting our beta site, so it was me and Corey in the office, and Corey had his headphones on. So it was dead quiet.

Anyway, by 5:00 I was in bad shape and ready to go home and crash. I went home, but no crash. I had talked to Irina, and though tired, was feeling a bit less stressed. I just kind of sat still for a bit and stared at the wall and thought about the future.

I went and got dinner and am now watching seasons 3-5 of Scrubs (bought from BestBuy.) I'm waiting for Irina's call. I've finally made the post I've been promising her (even if I did cancel the one that I was going to post for not being very timely anymore.)

Three Day Weekend

2008-05-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day has been and gone. It was nice having a 3-day weekend. We had a show on Saturday at the HotSpot in Geneva. The stage was huge, the venue was huge, the crowd turnout was something like ten. :) I think it was the smallest audience that we've ever played for, and that includes our first "show" which was a house party at one of Jason's relatives. (Who it was is escaping me now.) In spite of that, it was up there on the list of my favorite shows. I think that we played an hour set, and that was really nice, but certainly a lot more exhausting than the 30-40 minute sets we've been getting used to. It took a lot out of me, and as usual when we got off stage I just felt like being alone. Brian rode with me out there, and we waited for a while after the show for Linzy to show up so that she could ride back to mentor with us. She was just back from the Kenny Chesney show and demanding that we stop and get cheese fries at Denny's. We did, and I didn't end up getting home until 3:00 AM or so.

A really nice thing on Saturday before the show was an exciting chess match against Irina. We haven't played in some time, and this match was no disappointment. I lost, but it was as usual a great battle and an interesting look inside of the minds of both people. You learn a lot if you pay attention.

Sunday was the memorial day picnic with the family. The food was good and was welcome after waking up from the night before. I was famished, but didn't eat much until I got to my parents because I was much looking forward to the typical memorial day foods this year. I think because I've spent so much time listing and describing them to Irene.

Later Sunday, I helped Carmen to set up her webcam and set up an account on BlogTV. She's teaming up with some guy there to do a show about socialism. We set up and did a little test show that was really kind of funny and several people tuned in to watch our "not real" show which mostly consisted of us figuring out how to work everything and discussing whatever foul topics were brought up by guests in the chat room. Anyway, I left her with enough know-how to get it done for her show, so I guess that she can do that. I told her I'd tune in occasionally. My interest in socialism has waned quite a bit since college...

Monday was a day of much rest and relaxation. I didn't do much. It was what would typically have been a lazy Saturday for me. No obligations, just stayed home and cleaned a bit and talked to Irene. Later in the day I stopped over at Jason and Tasha's for some strawberry shortcake that Tasha was making out of boredom and some desire to get Jason's attention as he had been playing video games all day.

I've moved from sleeping on the couch back to my bed. I'm still torn on which one does the least damage to my back. Someday, I need to look at getting a bed that will be a bit nicer in that regard. The bed I have now is fantastic actually, and very soft, but offers little support. Maybe I just need to get out and get more exercise. This can only improve when Irene gets here.

Well I'm going to end this post and get back to work. I really don't much care for these "journal" type of entries. To me, it's usually done as filler while I think of a subject that I really want to write about. To you, maybe it's interesting to catch up on what's going on with me.

Training

2008-04-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Last week I had to do some on-site end-user training at one of our customer sites. Generally, this is not a task given to us in development. Usually it is up to the technicians and the official company "training girl." (I don't know her actual title. I think it's trainer? Anyway she's great at her job.)

This was a special case, as it is a beta site, and our beta period with them did not leave us ample time to train other people in our company on the software that we had just finished developing and testing. Also, it was in our interest to be there for the install to make sure that all went smoothly, so we might as well have trained.

This session was supposed to be an audience of four transcriptionists and a manager. Since the manager was out due to illness, this turned into a one-on-one training with one of the transcriptionists. I think it went great.

Tomorrow, all day I'll be doing classes for our technicians on the new software. I'm looking forward to it for all the wrong reasons. (Basically, I'm excited and proud of the new software and looking forward to showing it off.)

I'm not sure how I do with training. It's one of those things that I've never figured out if I'm good or bad at it. I am looking forward to it and at the same time looking forward to getting it over with and getting back to programming.

Fourier and Irina

2008-04-27T19:43:00.001-07:00

(This was a draft...I'm just now publishing it on 9/23...wonder where I was going with this?)

The Happiest Days of Our Lives

2008-04-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

I had a thought, which I am sure is not original in concept (possibly not even in words.)

The happiest times in my life have been when I've not believed that I had to follow a prescribed notion of happiness. As I get older, the pressures to adhere to these notions grow stronger, and the penalties for failing to do so grow with those pressures.

Still. At this point, it is not a choice. It's just me.

Update: Obviously at least one other person was thinking the same thing ;)

We were racing, we were soldiers of fortune

2008-04-22T21:48:00.001-07:00

When I was 13, Marshall was my best friend. In fact, outside of casual "school friends" or "bus stop friends" or "church friends" he was my only friend.

And he was really the only friend that I wanted. He lived about eight houses down from me in a pinkish-orangish house with red trim on Benjamin road. We played video games, listened to music, waged war against his sister, wreaked havok against both of our sets of parents/step-parents, were repeatedly banned and unbanned from hanging out with eachother, fought over girls, and saved a million fantasy worlds from utter destruction with a pair of nintendo controllers. In time, we started a club to try to unify it all funded only by money extorted/stolen from a concession stand that we "helped" his mother run for the local junior softball league.

We were suspended from school at least ten times, arrested once, and stopped by the police on numerous occasions for a wide variety of suspicious (though ulimately relatively innocent) reasons. And for the most part, it was always together.

A diet of mountain dew (or red soda) and zebra cakes kept our bloodshot eyes wide open through marathon all-night sessions of non-stop-nintendo. And that sugar and caffiene took us through the night only to be burned off the next day as we'd ride our bikes sometimes up to fifteen miles and two towns over to visit the proverbial girl of our dreams: Missy Hitterman.

Our missions, our purposes, and our aspirations were legion.

Sometimes it was about girls or sex like every other teenage boy.

Sneaking out of his house in the middle of the night to see an older neighborhood girl who (allegedly) streaked down the street naked on a fairly regular basis (after getting drunk with her friends.)

Slowly working through every four digit number in existance in an urgent attempt to unlock his step-father's briefcase and locate more of that richest of young teenage male treasures...dirty magazines.

Sometimes it was about the act of defiance for the sake of it.

Sneaking out of his house at midnight to walk the streets past curfew just to see if we'd get caught by his parents or the police.

Writing fake threatening letters to his sister and her friends from a pair of fictitious villians known initially only as Max as Merv (though later to be recognized as, yes, Mike and Marshall.)

At our best, it was staggering acts of creation.

Designing an entire video game with pencils and a big stack of computer paper (stolen from his stepfather who thought it "should only be used for important adult business.")

Learning QBASIC on his step-dad's computer well enough to create a game that mimiced a series of RPG turn based battles against sixteen different enemies (which were admitedly the same crudely drawn ogre with different colored skin each time - we ran out of enemies when QBASIC's graphics mode 9 ran out of colors.)

Learning to play guitar with hopes to someday start a band that would someday be awesomer than any of the bands we worshipped then. (Yes, I said "awesomer." It was a word to us then, it remains a word to me now)

And most of all, the elaborate composition of the plans that backed our mostly successful campaign of adventure and discovery in the short five years that we had left before adulthood would tear us to opposite sides of the globe, opposite sides of existential philosophy, and opposite sides of circumstance.

It's almost midnight now. If he was around, I'd probably be giving him a call and we'd be out on a walk pretending that we still had a curfew. You may doubt this conjecture, but I assure that while my sense of nostalgia is notorious...his is absolutely legendary.

Spring is Here

2008-03-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

As Irina has noted, spring is in the air. It's come a lot earlier in Yerevan than it has out here in the Cleveland area, but this is typical I guess. Winter is a bear here, and it will often draw itself right out into April. Sometimes even later. The snow has mostly stopped here, and it's nice not having to scrape off my windows every morning before work. I think that we will probably get a bit more snow in the days to come, but not a whole lot, and probably not much accumulation.

Spring this year is me running around cleaning up my apartment and getting everything together for lawyers for immigration. They have the things needed for the visa application now, but there is much to do anyway for things that they will need after the fact. It's good to be busy.

I've been helping Irina with her diploma project for university. The report and project are on manipulations of digital audio files. As you might imagine, this involves a lot of math. Much of it is over my head, and I'm doing my best to keep up with it all to lend a hand. On the bright side, I've learned a lot already. I'll probably be posting some thoughts on WAV files in the other blog.

A lot of email has been coming in for the .NET library I wrote for the G15 Keyboard. It's been crazy how much response and requests I've gotten for this little thing, and I wish that I had the time and energy to maintain it a little better in my free time, but I'm glad that people have gotten a lot of good use from it anyway. On a humorous note, I've not really done much with the library to write any apps for the G15 myself. I'll get back to it someday.

I need to get a bit better organized so that I can take on a lot more of these things. As always on the list is keeping up with posting on this blog :)

Irene

2008-02-16T17:38:00.000-08:00

I'm engaged and I couldn't possibly be happier about it. The trip to Armenia was fantastic. I will post details on it all if I could right now, but I don't want to try to put into words or a series of photographs the most wonderful moments of my life.

Besides, as you've noticed, I can't elaborate on things until some good amount of time has passed. Especially good things. I don't know why that is. For now, I'm going to leave this with a quote:

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” - Nietzsche

Year End Review

2007-12-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

I just had my year end review. I scored a little above average, which I guess is still good, but it's the worst review score I've ever gotten, and it's definitely the harshest berating.

I'm prone to being over-sensitive about criticsm, but this time I think it's more the fear of a lack-luster bonus that's really making me crazy.

Air Armavia

2007-11-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

The Amsterdam airport was a strange place. Quite a shock. In January, this was my first time being out of North America and into Europe. From the moment I set off the plane, everything was different than the states. Small differences...and the sudden finding that my american currency had suddnely become useless in many places, and second-choice in others. Of course this is obvious...but somehow it still was a strange feeling, having only been to Canada and Mexico before this.

I walked around a lot. Enjoyed the fact that I could smoke at various points throughout the airport, and just hearing all of the foreign voices speaking. It was a strange and interesting feeling to be a foreigner.

Mostly, I knew that after a few hours of layover, I'd be on the last leg of my journey to Armenia, and finally be face to face with Irina. Walking on air in the airport.

Anyway, none of the foreign feeling that Amsterdam brought could have prepared me for the waiting in the airport and the flight to Yerevan.

I was the first one to the waiting area. I sat and read and tried not to fall too much asleep. I was exhausted, but I stayed awake and watched...as each Armenian came in and walked past...their dark eyes darting curiously my way. It quickly became aparent that at least in January, I was the only non-Armenian on my way to Yerevan :)

An airport employee came by briefly with a customer satisfaction type survey thing to ask me some questions about my satisfaction and experiences in the Amsterdam airport. I answered all of his questions, and of course said that I couldn't have been more pleased with my time there. He was clearly an American man, and throughout the conversation, he seemed to kind of look at me curiously. Finally toward the end:

Man: So...heading to Armenia?
Michael: Yes. Yerevan.
Man: Cold place this time of year...
Michael: So I've been told :)
Man: Visiting a friend?
Michael: A girl.
Man: Ahhhhhhh

As the time grew closer, the (Armenian) girl at the front desk called me up:

Girl: Hello sir. I want to say to you that this flight is going to Yerevan.
Michael: Great :)
Girl: It is where you are heading?
Michael: Yes. Yerevan, Armenia.
Girl: Okay. I just want to make sure that you have the right gate. There have been many changes today.
Michael: I'm in the right place
Girl: I hope that you enjoy your time in Armenia. Have a nice day.

Finally, after lining up and going through security, we were finally on the plane. Once I settled in, immediately I began to notice a few people looking curiously in my direction. At first I told myself that it was only my imagination, and that perhaps I was making a story where there was none. I sat alone and near to me a woman was having a hushed conversation with her presumed husband. I smiled. I was surrounded by people that I could not understand and that could not understand me. Again, it was a strange feeling. But now even more-so. To be the foreigner having grown up a native in a country of foreigners. Even the stewardess when she came by said something in Armenian (maybe Russian?) to me and I looked and said "I speak only English..."

At that point she said "ah..." and kind of struggled very much to tell me in english to put on my seat belt :) Thankfully I eventually understood. Still I couldn't help but feel that suddenly I understood a bit of what it was like for the immigrants back home that had not yet developed strong language skills. And it was an eye-opening experience, and perhaps one that granted some empathy.

The rest of the flight continued this way for a short bit. After a bit of time, once we were able to move about the cabinet freely, a girl came to my seating area:

Girl: Hello.
Michael: (surprised) Hi!
Girl: Maybe I can sit with you? I speak English and I will help you...
Michael: Oh! Great!
Girl: OK...

So she sat beside me and we spoke on the flight over. Her name was Lucy, and she was an Armenian from Yerevan. The past two years of her life had been spent in Germany, but she had run out of money and work and had to come back to Armenia. She seemed both sad and happy about that. She said that she was sad, because it was good to be away and to be off with these people she was with having such a great time. But she said she was very glad at the same time to be returning to Armenia. I told her that I thought maybe that it was her family that she missed. She said "oh, yes that is part of it..." I asked for the other part.

She paused, and a warm look came into her eyes as she stared straight ahead through the back of the seat as if reaching back deeply into her mind. Without turning she asked if it was my first time to Armenia. I said that it was. She smiled and said that when I arrived and spent some time in Yerevan, I would understand perfectly.

I told her that I had much to look forward in the hours to come, and that the land of Armenia was but one piece. And I spoke for some time about Irina...and about how it all was. She told me that I was lucky, and that love was sometimes tricky. I smiled and told her that sometimes it was not. We both laughed.

The next surprise came when they brought the food. On a European or American flight, the food is generally a small container with 3 types of food. Meat, vegetable, starch. One of each. Meat will generally be cow or chicken. The rest of the meal is bland and boring. Obvious choices for the other two. Something like potatos and green beans.

It was different on this flight. They brought several containers for each passenger. Somehow I expected something familiar, but there was not *one* thing that was familiar to me. I tried to hide my shock and the speculative manner with which I was regarding the food, but apparently it was all to transparent.

Lucy laughed, and said "It is good. Armenian food. Eat it."

I tried it. At that point I was very hungry, and the food was surprisingly very good. Much of it looked simple and bland, but when it hit my tounge, the taste was foreign and exotic to me and so very powerful. It was good, and to eat it made me smile, and made me more excited in anticipation of how many new experiences I was in for. I would not be let down.

We approached Armenia and as we drew closer, Lucy told me much of how beautiful and amazing it was there. As we came into seeing distance there were tears in her eyes and she tapped my shoulder and gestured for me to look out the window. "There it is...Yerevan...my home..." She was right. Even from this slight view from the January night sky it was beautiful.

The plane touched down in a kind of rough way, but not in such a way as to startle. Everyone on the plane began to clap when the plane landed. This was another surprise to me, and for some reason made me laugh out loud for a second before holding it in. Part of the laugh was out of shock and amusement at the clapping, part of it was the nervous excitement of being one step closer.

When I got off of the plane, they gave us what I can only assume were helpful instructions in Armenian. Lucy said simply "now we are to go on this shuttle bus back to the airport."

The bus was cold, and nearly everyone was standing holding onto poles as it sped across the runway. When we got off we were escorted into a building to stand in line and show the passports and visas. I wasn't sure what to do. There was a separate counter where no one was standing that said "VISAS" so I went there and decided that perhaps I should ask them about redeeming the E-Visa I had gotten online or what I should do.

As I approached the woman at the counter, I kind of lost my wits and began speaking english very quickly. She looked confused. A man about my age who was behind another counter came rushing to her counter and said "Hey! What do you want! She doesn't speak English!"

I was embarassed and kind of stammered that I had an E-Visa and wondered what to do. He told me that there was no such thing as E-Visa. I was nervous. I said I had purchased it online. He said he didn't know about that. Finally I said "what should I do?"

"DO YOU WANT TO BUY A VISA OR NOT?!" he asked loudly.

I told him that I thought I already had online...

"Then go through there and see if you can go. If not come back and buy a visa!" He gestured back to the long line where everyone else was.

I waited in the line. When my time came an old man stood behind the counter at this place. He looked at my passport for a moment. "Visa?"

Nervously I said "..E-Visa?"

He nodded and typed somethings at the computer and waited. While he waited he looked past me with a bored expression. Finally he said "OK. Good. Go."

I breathed a big breath of relief as I walked past and approached the luggage area.

My luggage was easy to find for once as there weren't many people on the flight, and I seemed to be the only one with a red suitcase. I hefted it off the carousel and realized for the first time how tired and weak I felt. Moving forward, I walked past a closed customs store with clean windows and saw my reflection. I was a mess. My hair was a big pile of craziness and my face was weary with stress and journey. I became nervous again. I would have to meet Irina and her mother in such a state as this! What a first impression...

I walked on. I assumed that this would be a long walk. It was not. Very quickly I came to a security checkpoint and looking past that was a big crowd of people...it was clear that this was the end of the line, and the place I would meet Irina. I couldn't see her past it all...

I stopped and regarded the two security guards who were paying no attention at all as I approached.

"Excuse me..." I started. Being from the US I expected this to be a long and irritating process.

One of them looked at me annoyed "Just go!"

The other said "wait!"

I stopped.

He laughed and said "yes yes just go man..."

I walked through the security point...and out through glass doors into a sea of people, and immediately my eyes started to come down a bit and I saw in front of me the girl that this had all been for. My final destination...Irina...

She took me into her arms, and everything slipped away from me. I was here. In Yerevan. It was over.

Neither of us said much in that first moment...

I remember Lucy walked by just then and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey! Welcome to Yerevan! Good luck..."

I smiled and couldn't respond, but my mouth opened to say something and she just nodded and smiled and walked away.

Irina finally gained some composure before even I could. "Michael...let's go..."

She took my hand and we stepped out through the glass doors of the airport, and into Yerevan.

Keeping Up

2007-10-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

As always I've been bad about keeping up with posting on this blog :)

I guess at this point I should just not worry about it and post when I post, but sometimes I come back and see that it has been so long and there is some shame.

Anyone who also reads Irina's blog will have gathered that July has been and gone and was absolutely wonderful. I got to see Armenia in a very different way with it being summer and all. Of course I spent all of my days there with Irina, which was part of the wonder of it all, but this time included some other things as well.

January was very much focused on our first meeting and as it was cold, we spent a good amount of time indoors. We went out and saw various museums and sights, and it would be wrong for me in anyway to say that I didn't "see" Armenia in January. It was absolutely enchanting both times, and certainly must be one of the furthest departures that you can take from the United States.

Returning in July kind of brought a small bit of familiarity, and a much greater taste of the culture and of the people. I can't say in any deep manner having been there only twice at this point, but there was a great deal more ease this time when leaving the United States, when enduring the layover in Amsterdam and finally smiling through the ever amusing plane ride to Armenia :) (More on that another time perhaps...)

Anyway, we spent a great deal more time outside, we went out with her friends, we traveled out of Armenia to Lake Sevan, we went to bars and churches and temples, and...so many things it is hard to pull it all from the heart and mind and to pour it to this blog.

But being in those situations gave a much bigger and constant picture of Armenian culture and of Armenian people. There is an idea that I once read that kind of thought of a united group of people as having the same dynamics as an individual. The parts together forming one sort of personality and one sort of being.

In Armenia, there is a definite strong personality given from the people and the way they move about and the way they speak and the way they regard eachother. There is a certain unity, a kindness, a warmth, and familiarity with eachother that is very foreign to someone who grew up in the cynical suburbs of Cleveland. It was absolutely beautiful. My eyes, my ears, and my soul constantly strained to take it all in both weeks that I was there, but in July there was so much more coming that it took me a long time afterwards to parse. Even having been trapped in airports for two days before arriving home, I was still a scattered mess of beautiful in my mind.

Lest you take this for the usual american's enchantment when visiting anywhere other than here, I assure you that I do not mean to romanticize it all any more than how it sits in my heart. To be sure, all is not perfect in Armenia. But if I could be there right now, I would.

This all hit me like a ton a bricks throughout last night. Before she came on, my laptop crashed and I was moving materials from there to my desktop computer, and I found myself going through old videos that she made many of in our first few months and sent to me. Videos of her and her friend Ani goofing around with the camera mostly, and very much a picture of a girl in love. The same girl that smiling every day on the camera now.

But watching those videos now, I saw not only Irina, but Irina in Armenia. And it took me back to Armenia. My mind became absorbed in it all.

She came on later that night and we talked as I watched several armenian videos on YouTube. Videos of Armenian dance, Armenian cartoons, Armenians hanging out at a bar, Armenian sitcoms, etc.

Finally I stopped at a video of Yerevan. It showed the city in a slideshow like sequence of pictures with much focus on Republic Square (which I am quite familiar with - we spent much time in that area.) In the background an armenian melody played and a voice sang through scales and rhythms foreign and strange to me, but at the same obvious to me as being "something armenian" (irina's phrase.)

In the middle of the video my eyes welled up with tears and I was filled with memories and longing of the days in January and July in that beautiful country walking hand in hand with the most amazing girl in the world.

She'll be waking up any moment now. I better go and chat :)

Royal Flush

2007-06-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself very excited as July draws closer, and trip #2 to go visit Irina approaches. Honestly, in my entire life I don't remember ever feeling so wonderful and so sure about something. It's a wonderful thing, love...

Closures in JavaScript

2007-05-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a good look at javascript again after watching Douglas Crockford's video series on the language (which I highly recommend):

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=cccd4aa02a3993ab06e56af731346f78.1710507

I had heard previous to this that closures were available in javascript, but I've never
actually looked into how they are implemented or taken any shot to learn them. Like most people, the only time I get to use javascript is when I'm doing little web things. Anyway, I am posting here some explanation of closures as a general concept, and specifically closures as they are in javascript. This is for the benefit of irina, and anyone else who actually reads this blog and has any interest in programming :)

Functions As Objects

The first thing to understand is that in javascript, functions are objects. And the function itself (not the result) can be stored in a variable, just like any other object. So we can do this:


 var x = alert;
 x('hello');

And this code will alert hello. We've simply stored the alert function into a variable called "x" and then called x (which is really just the alert function at this point.) A neat use of just this concept would be to shorten a commonly used function:


 e = document.getElementById;

So, now we could just call "e('something')" to get our elements instead of all that typing. Since javascript allows to use the $ symbol in naming functions or variables, many people have done exactly this same example, but have called the function simply $. Here's what that looks like:


 $ = document.getElementById;
 $('mainHeading').style.color = 'red';

Pretty handy thing. But back to the main subject :). Since functions are objects, it stands to reason that when we declare a function and call it like this:


 function myFunction()
 {
   alert('test');
 }

 myFunction();

We are really just assigning a new function to a variable called "myFunction." This syntax is mostly there to keep people from more standard languages comfortable. But really, what is happening is just this:


 myFunction = function() { alert('test'); }
 myFunction();

The two are the same. But keep this later syntax in mind. Because what it is doing is letting us define an anonymous function and then assign it to a variable so that it can later be called.

So one neat use of functions as objects is that we can do this magic anywhere. Even inside of a function. This means that we can have functions that return functions. Have a look:


 function makeHelloFunction(name)
 {
  var message = "hello " + name;

  return function ()
  {
   alert(message);
   alert(count);
  }
 }

This function takes one parameter (somebody's name) and it gives you back a function that will say "hi" to them. Here is an example usage:


 hiIrina = makeHelloFunction("irina");
 hiIrina();

When the first line is executed, we are calling makeHelloFunction. This function will simply create a new function that says "Hello irina" and it will give us that new function back as a return value. We are storing the returned function into "hiIrina."

On the second line, we call "hiIrina" which is holding that function that was made. It does exactly what you might expect. It shows an alert message saying "hello irina." We can use this same "maker function" to make several functions:


 hiIrina = makeHelloFunction("irina");
 hiMichael = makeHelloFunction("michael");

 hiIrina();
 hiMichael();

And each one will say "hello" to someone different.

Closures

So putting it all together, here is the full example we will be looking at to consider "closures":


1 function makeHelloFunction(name)
2 {
3  var message = "hello " + name;
4
5  return function ()
6  {
7   alert(message);
8  }
9 }
10
11 hiIrina = makeHelloFunction("irina");
12 hiMichael = makeHelloFunction("michael");
13
14 hiIrina();
15 hiMichael();

This is the program that we were looking at in the last example, with line numbers added for convenience of explaining.

First, let's think about what's really happening inside of the makeHello function. Because something very strange is happening, and by the rules we know so far, this program seems to have a big problem.

The function body starts on line 3. On this line, we are declaring a local variable called "message" and building basically what we need to show in our returned function. Notice that this is declared inside of "makeHello" and not within the inner function. (we could have done it either way, but for illustrating this point it is done this way.) So it is important to note that "message" is a local variable of "makeHello."

The next statement executed is contained on lines 5 - 8. We make a new function and return it to the caller. It is very important to note, that the function is *not* executed here. None of the variables are resolved, and no alert box is shown. The body of this returned function is not executed, it is only declared to be returned to the caller.

So at this point the function ends. Now consider the fact that once this function ends, it will do what every function does when it ends. It will destroy all of it's local variables, and they will fall out of scope (they can't be used anymore.)

So let's look at a call to this function. On line 11, we call this function to make the "hiIrina" function. After this line, the call to "makeHelloFunction" has ended and the local variable "message" is out of scope. (it's been cleaned up and can't be referenced outside of the makeHello function. it's gone...destroyed)

We are left with our function helloIrina. This is what hiIrina contains:


function ()
{
  alert(message);
}

So later on line 14, we will call it:


14  hiIrina();

and it will execute this line:


 alert(message);

It would seem that we have a big problem here. What is message at this point? That variable fell out of scope when we left the "makeHelloFunction" call. Somehow, for this whole thing to work, message needs to stay around even after the function that owns it (makeHelloFunction) has exited.

Also, we called the function again on line 12 to make a "hiMichael" function. The function we returned here also needs to access "message." More importantly it needs to access a *different version* of message since when it was created the message variable was set to "michael."

Thankfully, this is exactly what happens with a language that supports closures. Whenever a function is being made, it will consider

"Am I inside of another function that has parameters and local variables that potentially going to go out of scope?"

If the answer to that question is "yes" a very interesting thing happens. All of the local variables and parameters available when the function is declared are marked not to go out of scope. They are invisibly captured and kept with the inner function so that they will live on until that inner function is destroyed.

Very important to note that the variables are *not* "copied" for the inner function to hold onto...they are exactly the variables as they stand.

So how then do we release the versions of "message" that were created and reclaim memory? We destroy references to the inner functions that are holding onto them:


   hiIrina = null;
   hiMichael = null;

This will release the created functions from memory, and their associated sets of "captured local variables."

This set of "captured local variables" are called...a closure.

It's a lot to take in coming from a language that doesn't support them. But once you get a handle on it, they can be very powerful. They let us use anything inside of a function that is in scope when that function is *declared* without having to worry that the variable will go out of scope and be cleaned up or altered by a later call.

Pretty neat stuff :)

Mary

2007-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

One of Irina's friends from Armenia redesigned our ninebit site! Wow!!! Go check it out at http://www.ninebit.org. She did a wonderful job and it looks great!

Show

2007-04-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

We had the first of our two back-to-back shows at Peabody's. This was our first show with Greg on the vocals, and it went really well. We sold T-Shirts and I think we had a lot of people buying them which was really good. It seemed that a lot of people bought them and put them on right away. I walked around after the show and kept seeing ninebit shirts on everyone :)

I think that it was probably the biggest crowd that we have ever had. It was a great show and very much fun :)

Sick and Awake

2007-03-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of being sick with the cold that seems to be going around this area. I've just woken up in the middle of sleep and can't seem to get back to sleep, so I figured I'd pass at least a bit of time making a post. Irina will probably kill me once she sees that I am on this posting at this hour :)

Anyway, I wanted to let everyone who actually reads this know that the weight loss has been going pretty well. I've lost a significant amount of weight in a short time largely due to a simple change of diet and a small amount of exercise every day. I'm feeling much better about things already.

There's a park next to my apartment that I'm hoping to go check out as soon as I'm feeling a little bit better. Garfield park...we used to go there when I was a kid, but I haven't been there since then. Somehow I managed to overlook this park being about 1000 feet from our apartment complex. Ah well. Anyone who knows me well is probably not surprised by the oversight :)

Must lose some weight!

2007-03-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I just got a scale today. It has been confirmed. I need to lose some weight! :)

About 20 pounds minimum. I'd like to lose 35. I'm working on ideas for how to accomplish this. Wish me luck :)

Waking With The Dead

2007-03-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

One last cigarette
A bell chimes 7:00AM in the distance
As I contemplate each exhalation
Trying to tell the fog from the smoke

The stale taste of instant coffee
Still dripping lukewarm
In the back of my throat
I stare at my watch again for a solid twenty seconds.

Tired eyes dancing up and down
Surveying a dying landscape
Of graffiti-clad brick walls
And the apathetic ghosts walking through them

I knew that this place was a trap months ago
But I came anyway when you called
You'll forgive the confession that it was less my loyalty,
And more a desire to experience this emptiness

Even cold cynicism needs to see
it's reflection and it's realization sometimes...

The birds have squelched their voices
Sacrificing anything to avoid
The awkwardness of making a sound
In a place so calmly resigned to death

I stare into dirt-smudged footprint in the snow
Toss the cigarette half-heartedly
Smashing it on a dry spot with my boot.
A deep breath

Back inside.

FizzBuzz

2007-02-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

This guy made a post about how in hiring programmers, he often would give them a simple problem. The problem is:

Write a program that prints the numbers from 1 to 100. But for multiples of three print “Fizz” instead of the number and for the multiples of five print “Buzz”. For numbers which are multiples of both three and five print “FizzBuzz”.

This is first year material for even a tech. school student. Basically his point was that many "development" ppl can't even solve such a simple problem. I don't know how true that is, nor do I really care very much to wonder.

But...somehow, my immediate thoughts went to how beautifully and concisely can this program be expressed in two of my favorite languages: ruby and c#.

c#
-------------------------
for (int i = 1; i <= 100; i++)
Console.WriteLine("{0}{1}{2}",
(i %3 == 0) ? "Fizz" : "",
(i %5 == 0) ? "Buzz" : "",
(i %3 != 0 && i %5 != 0) ? i : ""
);

ruby
-------------------------
1.upto(10){i
puts "Fizz" if i %3 == 0
puts "Buzz" if i % 5 == 0
puts i if i%3 != 0 and i %5 != 0
}

I haven't decided which one i like best for this particular exercise. Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

Getting Things

2007-02-28T18:41:00.000-08:00

So I've been trying to check out a lot of things I've been meaning too for a while.

I finally got the blog moved over here, which is great because it means I don't have to write all of the code for a blog myself.
I signed up with del.icio.us and finally have the centralized bookmarks that I always wanted.
After understanding it technically for years, I finally understand what the big deal is with RSS. This happened after I managed to get my del.icious links listed over on my blogger blog without having to hack anything crazy together to post to both.
+ I've now tried World of Warcraft, and I have to say...it's not bad. I don't know that I'll keep my subscription past the trial point, but I can understand a bit more why people like it so much.

php + irina

2007-02-21T06:11:00.000-08:00

Irina's been learning PHP. She's been doing extremely well and has just finished a website on learning Russian. On this site, you can sign in and learn and take tests. All of your scores for each attempt/lesson are recorded so that you can watch yourself improve.

It's actually really neat, and I'm very excited for her. There's not a lot of sites for learning Russian on the internet. What is out there is either "pay" sites, or sites that kind of suck. There are exceptions (spoonfulofrussian.com being a good example.)

Anyway, she just entered the site in a contest in Armenia for her school. I'm wishing her luck.

If she decides to make the site public after the contest, I'll post the URL for everyone :)

Back From Armenia

2007-02-07T05:06:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Armenia. It was the most amazing trip. About 19 hours flight each way and lots of small complications with airports on the way back, but I got see the most wonderful girl in the world and got to explore some of the sites and culture of one of the most interesting countries in the world.

I met her family while I was down there and they were some of the nicest people that I have met in a long time. :)

I'll be posting photos soon. Hopefully I'll also be able to write something in more detail relatively soon as well.

connection

2007-01-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

it's not every girl that you can have a long conversation about:

+ the correctness of a sine wave graphing application
+ the nuances of java's operator sensitivity to argument types in terms of result types.
+ the advantages of c#'s delegates over java's anonymous inner-class "listeners"
+ mathematical humour

Crapplebees

2007-01-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

I don't like Applebee's at all. The restaurant is ugly and no matter which one I go to, they always seem littered with as much gaudy sports memorabilia that they can squeeze onto the wall. There's nothing quite like staring a sweaty old set of used shoulder pads while you are trying to choke down a half-cooked, seven-dollar cheeseburger, and it's always fun waiting for one of their apathetic-life-hating waitresses to come and refill yourdrink or maybe just to say "hi" as it's been about 45 minutes since you've seen her last.

Anyway, for some reason my parents seem to like the place alright.

So over the weekend, the family went out to dinner together for my Dad's birthday.

+ The server managed to bring my mother an underdone steak twice before finally getting it right. She ended up eating while everyone else was finishing up dessert.

+ After the meal, she brought us a check with everyone's meal on it not broken up properly. We explained that we would need separate checks. She left for about 10 minutes and then came back with a pen and told us to write down which things belonged together and then she would charge them separately. So we got to spend about 15 minutes together doing her job for her.

Good Job Applebee's! Thank you for keeping my expectations at their lowest. I'm never suprised :)

Begining of Year Updates

2007-01-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since I've posted. A lot has happened lately, so here's a nice little bulleted list:

Work is going good. I'm still at Dolbey and they gave me a pretty nice review/raise :)
Ninebit has had several shows at the end of 2006, but is kind of on a very short break right now. Our next show will be on Feb. 22nd at the Funky Frog in Mentor, OH to anyone that wants to go.
I've moved out of the house with Steve into an apartment with Brian (the other brother.) Other than having to go back to using a "laundry room" life's been pretty good.
I'm going to Armenia in a couple of weeks to visit Irina. I could probably do a whole sappy post about everything with Irina, but I'll leave that to those of you who actually ask for that. Suffice to say, she's a brilliant, beautiful programmer girl from Armenia. I'm *extremely* excited about the trip.
I've been learning Russian for that same sort of reason, and am coming along pretty well I think :)
Without making a new year's resolution type thing, I'm going to be doing something to get more exercise starting after I get back from Armenia.
I'm planning out my year right now and getting everything organized and caught up.

Moved

2007-01-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

I've moved here to blogger.com.

I brought over most of my posts from ninebit.org. I felt it appropriate since there is *some* good content in all of it and since before at ninebit, not too many people knew it was there.

Anyway, I know the spacing is all fucked up on the old posts. It's consequence of copy/pasting HTML stuff and being too lazy to bother fixing alignments and whatever.

I hope to cover a wider span of themes here now. The ninebit blog was only about old stories and feelings etc. The euthanized blog was mostly only about technology and programming. I hope to make this one about both/everything.

It Seems Like A Good Quote Right Now

2006-10-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."

-- Herman Goering (Nazi Reichsmarshall) at the Nuremberg trials

Thanks for Coming!

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

We had a show last weekend. Thanks to all who attended.

Videos are posted on the main ninebit page.

Self-Censorship is a Bitch :)

2006-08-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

You'll excuse this digression, and this temporary stop from talking only of the past and only in vague poetic nonsense.

I am back. I apologize that I had to hide for a bit. Life got a bit complicated.

In short, things needed to be hidden, and eventually needed to be removed.

I want you to know that I do not take lightly the act of censoring anyone, including myself. Especially myself.

I have removed what I have removed to keep peace in my life and in the life of those around me. Ordinarily peace would not be reason enough, but in this case I think that the setiments expressed in the places removed are better off tucked away for a bit.

Jessica

2006-05-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of telling her that I *danced.* She very quickly discovered that while I did "dance" I wasn't very good at it. She laughed and shrugged it off. Thankfully there were only four of us on the floor and only a handful at the bar.

She kept smiling and laughing until I had no choice but to do the same.

This was the first time I met her. This was my first time at this bar.

There was something familiar about her. There was something familiar about the entire bar...

Bleh

2006-05-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

I am feeling depressed and self-destructive. I should go to sleep.
I should toughen up and quit being such a whiny bitch.

Sleeping Pills

2006-05-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

I had just left her room. I layed in my bed breathing slowly, and hearing every breath echo deeply in my eardrums. There was a low bassy hum beneath it all. Eight sleeping pills and two joints. Pink Floyd's "Animals" played quietly in some far off distance across the room. I had never been so messed up.

I can't look back now and say that I regretted any of it. But I did stop taking pills right after that night.

...

The dorms were a strange place. I used to sit in front of the elevators and play whatever song came to me at that moment. I wrote a lot of pieces then from sheer idleness, and sometimes just because if you sit long enough with your fingers on the string and your ears listening to nothing but the noise, you eventually begin to create.

The first time that I met her I was sitting there outside the elevators playing "Is There Anybody Out There" a little bit slower than usual. I had seen her before. She was a scary girl to me. Tough. Beautiful. She never shaved her arm pits, and her boyfriend was a loud hulk.

She asked me to come to her room and play for her. I went with some reservation. I played for hours. She sat listening and chain smoking and popping pills. Her boyfriend came back later. He sat having just smoked a joint, and listend quietly.

Her room was four dorm mattresses arranged about the floor to cover it all. There were pillows all along the walls. The entire room was like a giant soft bed, and to visit her was to sit or lay in this giant bed.

After that night, I immediately seemed to turn away from most of the people I'd been hanging out with and I just went there every night and played guitar, or listened to her boyfriend play guitar, and took sleeping pills and smoked pot until we had all slowed down to the point that we could barely move.

You don't sleep when you take eight sleeping pills. You sit in complete stasis, and you listen to your heartbeat and stare at the walls, the pillows, or eachother. Time slows and grinds. Nothing matters.

I quit the whole mess. But I never quit them. And I never quit loving them. And I never quit finding them. And I never quit thanking them.

People Are Listening

2006-04-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

It seems that there's a bigger audience now. I will try my best not to hide behind the curtains. Seriously, thank you for reading.

I've been sick the past few days. I wanted to thank the one who spent some time taking care of me, or at least calling me frequently and stopping by when the opportunity presented itself. I can't tell you how much something little like that means to me.

Between that and everything else that has been going on, I actually owe a giant GIANT piece of the most beautiful thing that I've ever written, but I just don't know if I can do it between the sneezing and programming.

For right now...thank you. :)

Tarra

2006-04-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Returning from temporary departures on subjects of love and limmerence. I wish to restore some semblence of objectivity and detatchment from reality or at least the present reality. Hence the last five posts were a bit abstract, though obvious/literal to anyone nearby.

Friendship can be much more complicated...

I wonder where things really fell off track with her. She's been here for years, though sometimes present sometimes not. Always in my heart, as they say. I really thought that last time would be our final farewells. I had finally revealed all of the illusions, and she had taken them and (predictably) thrown them back in my face. With that taken care of I thought that maybe we'd go our seperate ways as somehow it had always seemed we were destined to do. And so we did.

But I miss her most of the time, and I find that from time to time we do cross paths,
and it is always fantastic. Sometimes I wonder if and how it was all supposed to crumble.
You never know if you wrote it properly until much later.

Limmerance Pt. 3

2006-04-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

It happens so quickly. One moment you stand teetering on the edge of sanity, trapped in her eyes and dying for a taste of those sweet lips. And slowly you start to fall apart and crumble inside as she stares back, and burns you to the ground one piece at a time. To look away now is impossible. There is no leaving.

And one by one the sacrifices are made, and the small give and the small take as you both spiral toward inevitable bliss.

It is so beautiful and it is so strange. To fall this way, and to fall this time.

Was it Really Empathy?

2006-04-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

Awake at 12:30 AM. Well, I was half awake. Half asleep. She called upset. Difficult decisions and absent tears and confusion.

I didn't know what to say. So I told her that I would have taken it all away if she'd have let me. Or (more approriately) if the situation had allowed...

Wish I could've held onto her right then and done my best to calm the storm as we both faded away into blissful sleep.

Instead I stayed up wondering if she really thought that I'd taken any sort of joy or happiness in her suffering.

Limmerance Pt. 2

2006-03-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

Capitulation. The final stages of that initial period. This is the grand FINALE.

Do not miss this! You will be missing out on the best part.

The explosions of the mind

The quickening of the blood.

The raw power and vigor of a mind and body consumed with passion. The all encomposing aura building, radiating, and *SCREAMING* to swallow your entire universe.

And all the while you will be paradoxically lying frail and trembling as your next movement depends entirely on the touch of her hand. Waiting, yielding, and begging to be wrapped around her finger.

Even a loss is worth the spectatuclar pyrotechnic show. Bursting snapping tiny explosions in the heart and the mind.

Do not miss this!

Winters Helps Again

2006-03-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

The artist is hiding in the trees. Thanks again.

Don't Give In...Without a Fight

2006-03-18T07:25:00.000-08:00

The reader will notice that all of my regrets have been from times that I went down without a fight. It's unusual that it happens, but when it does it always hurts worse than any fight ever would have. The reader would probably also relate and have had some similar experiences and reached similar conclusions. If not through the past than through the fact that it's conventional wisdom that says "don't give up without a fight."

At this moment, I would say that I am trying to choose my fights in order to win the larger battle.

We're all avoiding complacency and seeking complacency at the same time. And to too many, it would seem, this is nothing more than a race to see who can successfully give up first.

Your soul, your objective inner eye, and your breath would say that you win by never entering the race.

Your spirit, your fight, and the blood coursing through your veins will tell you that you win by refusing to stop running.

Can the both be right at the same time? And if so, how do you reconcile these seemingly disparate ideas?

Limmerence

2006-03-16T07:24:00.000-08:00

Limerence is the scientific term for that state of being when <you> just have just met {HER}. When you are walking in the clouds (_)_ )_), and giggling at yourself and smiling :) every morning about what a beautiful and fantastic shit day //// it is outside ->.

This term was coined in 1977 by a psychologist named DOROTHY TENNOV. One of her primary symptoms was "disruptive thinking." This is when you are trying to carry about your normal day and you are ever being interrupted by the vivid image of her face flashing in your mind and tearing at your heart.

Marilyn French describes love as insanity. "The taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction."

But when Marilyn French speaks of "love" here, she is really speaking of limmerence. The time of possession and some would say the most critical steps in the dance.

One false move here,
one step on her toes
or missed twirl
and you have lost.

You may not know this until months later, but you have lost. All that you need to do is let go of rationality and let go of your sanity for a bit.

It lasts 90 days. It is roughly three months by human constructs. It is a precisely one tibetan lunar season. It is precisely the amount of time you have to change your mind for almost everything that life will present you. Your job will evaluate you for your first 90 days. You will have 90 days to return that stereo system if you don't like it. You have 90 days to decide on an abortion.

So 90 days of limmerence. Ninety days before you wonder why things have "changed" between you. Ninety days of insane bliss, and only the spats that you love to make up to.

This is where the cyncis would say that things all go down hill. The cynics in this case would be wrong. It can be good or bad. But after those ninety days, the decision is no longer yours to make.

Domn8rx

2006-03-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

She was twenty-one, when I started talking to her. I was seventeen or sixteen. I don't remember
which. Highschool age though. She was in Missourri. I was in Ohio. She went by the screen name
domin8rx. We talked all night, every night. We sent photos back and forth. We drew pictures of
things and sent them. We talked on the phone for hours in the middle of the night. I was falling in
love. But not without obvious reservations. I kept writing it off as nothing.

She quit talking to me after she found out that I had a girlfriend.

I still don't know how to classify any of that.

I still think of you sometimes, Brandy.

A Band of Thieves

2006-03-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

But long before all that sorrow.

I had once known a mediator who said "A man needs a maid." It was funny to hear him
recite Neil Young. He could have BEEN Neil Young for all anything ever fit
together and made sense in the entire scape I am remembering now.

There was a maid present of course, at the time. The classic triangle. She loved me,
He loved her, I loved myself. I didn't want to be on that end. I really didn't want to
be anywhere.

I later gave her a real try. I gave it a good go. But there's no pleasing a maid when
you just don't have a lot of mess in your soul at the moment. It was too beautiful out
every day for me to give her anything to do. And she grew resentful of the idleness.

Maids and mediators though. It makes sense. Doesn't it? It's like artists and cynics.
They just go so beautifully hand in hand. Tragically beautifully though. Just like artists
and cynics. Tragic.

And Your Teeth Fall Out

2006-03-06T07:23:00.001-08:00

Everytime I looked in the mirror for that entire year of my life...I felt ugly.
I felt ugly and tired, and used up. And I looked it. I remember barring my teeth
in the mirror quite a bit, trying to get an idea for just how bad of shape they were
in. They were actually not all that bad, but in my mind their were. I would constantly
have dreams of them falling out of my mouth...all at once. I'd be talking, and ALL OF
THE SUDDEN they'd just start loosely falling out as blood flooded up through my mouth.

Sometimes there was no blood. And there was usually never any pain. It was just happening.

A skeptic with an overactive imagination can scare themselves right into stone. I think that
if I were one of THEM, I'd have certainly gone mad. But as an observer, I'm instead left to
wake up to it all and turn off the fear, but keep the lingering wondering as to what any
of it all meant.

For a while I figured that it was that my teeth were indeed in terrible shape. The dentists
have since given me fillings and one root canal. But certainly nothing of the magnitude that
I would expect.

Anyways, that mirror was always smudgy. And it made a CREEK sound when you'd open it. The
whole apartment seemed alive with such noises, but dead with the cloud of dust that seemed to lay
over everything.

It was a hot summer. And I knew the gig was up. I'd been caught in this act. The ruse had been
blown, and the respectable thing to do would've been to found a way to walk away off into the
July sunset with that dust following behind and tears in my eyes as I'd do what I needed to do.

It never happens that way. I stayed and I drained, until the moment came. And when it did, there
were just no tear drops ready. It would be July again soon. This time I'd beat the heat to the
punch. I'd tear it all down and run away SCREAMING!

Or at least run away nervously with my palms sweating waiting for an exception and hoping that my
teeth don't fall out of my mouth.

Design Update

2006-03-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

The artist made me a beautiful present. Behold.

Pleased To Meet You

2006-03-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

The metamorphosis is the worst time to meet anyone. Unfortunately its right when I
met HER. Things could've been so much better. But you can't fight the changes. They
will come with or without your consent, and they will not only make ashes of what you
once were. They will spit on those ashes and blow them to be scattered to the wind.
Unable to reconcile those ashes, I only frusterated us both as every bit of my energy
was focused on maintaining.

A Good Year

2006-02-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

The 25th year of my existance was absolutely the best year I've ever had in my life. I
finally REACTED to everything that had come at me. I think that I spent years just collecting
it and analyzing it.

I also learned the value of having at least some materialism. Or at least acknowledging the
physical world and taking care of it properly. I was ever neglectful of it in the past. At
least neglectful of acting. Like for years you think you are watching television and then one
day you realize that this is life. You can INTERACT with it. You can change the plot, you
can add characters, remove them, change the entire stage or rewrite those critical acts.

Unfortunately it left me with an embarassing regret for the previous year in particular where
I had reached the peak of my withdrawal from existance. I say embarassing because no one
wants to hear about mistakes that you made a year or two ago. Everyone has already decided,
reacted and gotten on with things. You end up not having a right to say anything now.

I wish that I could say that that led me to say "well fuck it" and to just move on. Sadly,
it hasn't. I guess it's somehow THE PRICE for all the good news and fulfilled ambitions and progress.
You don't learn from never fucking up.

I just wish I could say that I was sorry and have it not be strange or blown off with a simple
"Oh...it's fine...I mean it all worked out." Because I don't know that it worked out for me.
If it did I could say out loud that I DON'T LOVE HER ANYMORE.

Some would say that my hanging on is boredom. Some would say that it's for lack of another
girl coming along.

I hope that they are right.

F*cked Up In West MiddleSex

2006-02-19T07:21:00.000-08:00

I broke down with *the* artist once. We were on our way back from watching a girl get
married. A girl that I didn't want to see married, but that means little perhaps. At the
time and even now sometimes I'm greedy with that.

Anyway, it was the middle of nowhere. A little town called West Middlesex. The radiator had
blown. I told him to put a rag in it since we couldn't easily find the cap. It seemed like
a sensible idea at the time. Later, my dad would laugh and explain to me about PRESSURE and
all that. Some number of pounds that cap has to hold...?

It was raining and his shoes had holes in them. We walked and waited for called rides to show
up for about eight hours. The first group drove an hour and a half to save us and saw us
nowhere. The second was successful.

In the meantime, we walked and waited on the highway as the cold wind blew through our skin and
between our bones. Large trucks would come and throw wind and water and there was no hiding. Even
to turn your back was still to suffer. And every time, we knew it was coming.

In spite of everything I'd known about him in the past. In spite of all of the ways that he had
seemed to resign to "fate." In spite of the fact that even as I screamed for him to do so he never
got off the mat. In spite of all of that, he refused to be broken. His shoes had holes in them!
HOLES! And he told me that, but only in a matter of fact way, and only ONCE. The rest of the time
he was even light-hearted at times.

I gained a new respect for his prediciment. It wasn't that he didn't have the fortitude, or the
bravery. It was that he was guided by a different force than I was. Both of us made it through
without losing it or getting angry at the cards we'd been dealt, but we did it in an entirely different
way.

So often he'd jokingly claimed that we were two different sides of the same coin.

I Never Thought of it as Slumming...

2006-02-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

I used to live with this girl. We were friends. Not exceptionally close friends.
Friends in the only way that I think that two observers can be. Good amount of distance.
If I ever was having a REALLY BAD night, I'd go talk to her about it, and she'd do the
same. There were usually brief conversations in the evening about "oh, so how did your
day go."

I didn't have any other friends at that time, and it made for a strange part of my
existance. I was very alone.

I never called home because I didn't have any good news to deliver and I just didn't want
to call home without anything good to say. I kind of left with the intention of MAKING IT.
I didn't know that the journey would start with working at Giant Eagle and walking to work
every day both ways.

It was a strange job. Cutting and weighing meat and cheese and putting it into bags for
people. It was a grind to most of the people that worked there. Or so it seemed. I don't
remember ever being in bad sorts going in, working or leaving.

I had a lot of time to think around then. On the walks to work and back every day. Sometimes
she'd show up and give me a ride, but that was rare. Twice I think, really. That was about it.
The rest of it, I'd walk through the cold January trying to figure out what it meant that
I was HERE. Here in every sense of the word. The time, the place, the situation. I'd be 21 in
a few months and I felt very timeless and ageless. I wasn't upset at myself for the fact that
I was working there. I wasn't upset that I didn't have a car. I wasn't even upset that I didn't
have any friends. I felt like I was making progress, however small.

The guys I worked with were old. Most of them were there because they'd lost whatever they'd
spent their whole life doing. Lay-offs and such. It was almost a nice thing to be so young and
able to listen to their tales without any kind of fear. Even if the confidence WAS naivette
(which I still do not believe and will not admit to even my favorite cynics.) They were almost
angry toward me when I finally left to start my first job actually working in my field. I wasn't
sure where the resentment sprung from.

For as long as I worked there I kept my room illuminated with nothing more than a rainbow fiber lamp and
a stirng of christmas tree black lights. I had quit smoking and didn't smoke for the entire time. I
spent the time I had in the evenings playing video games that I had never finished as a younger teenager,
and using her computer to scour the internet for that JOB that would be the next step.

In a few months, I got the begining that I was looking for from the start. It ended up being
at the place that my roommate was employed. When I went shopping, the old guys seemed short and
bothered by me now that I wasn't working there. I though it strange at the time. I still kind of do,
actually.

Testosterone

2006-02-17T07:20:00.001-08:00

I used to be a prince, and a fierce agressor. A MAN in every sense of the word
as they say it, I suppose. I didn't have a lot of friends then. I remember thinking
about sex a lot. And needing to punch something, or TALK VERY LOUDLY, or just break
into a sprint wherever it was that I was going.

I rollerskated and rode my bike a lot then because of my age and because it made
the need for strain that much easier to exercise without coming off as so strange.

Lately I've found myself seeking one out and keeping JUST ONE of them in my inner circle wherever
it is that I am at. It's always kind of love/hate on both ends I think. I don't
relate so much any more, but I certainly empathize.

The Mediator

2006-02-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

The mediator speaks in tounges and twisted metaphors. You can't always trust
that what he is saying is the truth. He repeats a lot that he hears, but
unlike most of the rest of the lot, he repeats it because he means it and understands it.

You can no more guide the mediator than you can the phases of the moon. You can,
however, suggest. And then you can hope. For a really long time. But the thing is
that they don't make fundamental changes very often, if at all. It's almost the
definitive part of being a mediator. The tragic flaw, and the saving grace.

There are exceptions.

I remember once setting up a video camera and sitting down with one of them
to have a DEBATE and to make sure that it was all on camera so that I
could observe later and try to decipher why the conversations always felt
so valuable and useless afterwards.

We talked about religion. And I argued God's case for about an hour.
And he argued man's case.

It's funny to watch now, because we'd be on seperate sides at this point.
Also, it's difficult to watch because it is never more clear that while
some would paint me a wordsmith, I am not very good at getting my point
across.

I think that if I am good with words, it's because I'm bad at communicating.

Ninja

2006-02-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

It happened that I once accidentally became roommates with a
mediator. It was always quiet besides the music, and there was always
a FULL jar of jalapenos in the refrigerator.

I didn't know that he was a mediator when we first moved in together.
In fact, I didn't really know him at all. We were both just kind of in a
SITUATION.

I kind of wish things had been a bit different and that it had lasted a lot
longer than it did. But I had fallen in love with yet ANOTHER skeptic,
and the artist was around a lot during that time.

We wouldn't have moved mountains, and we probably wouldn't have gotten too
much really done at all. I just wish that I would've hung out with him more.
Just so that we both would've felt better during the TIME.

But love is one hell of a DRUG. And I'm a sucker for skeptics.

Is it Just a Waste of Time?

2006-02-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

I can't think of a worse way to use my webspace than to do exactly what I
have been. And it's exactly what I've been doing.

Vitamin B

2006-02-15T07:17:00.001-08:00

There is a GIANT bottle of B1 pills. It expires in a month. I think that I bought
it almost a year ago. I've taken maybe 8 of them since that time. I can't help but
wonder what happens to a vitamin when it expires.

Slow Burn

2006-02-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

I wanted so badly for something to happen. I had never been so mentally
lost as when I lost her. Arguably, I was worse when she was around and
we were dancing hastily trying to keep it all from crumbling down.

Everyone already considered it ridiculous, my hanging on. Or at least they
would if I wasn't hiding from them. For a month so far I just stayed in the tiny
bedroom in my parents house watching whatever strange movies were playing at
4:00 in the morning.

There was no job, no money, no girl, no passion, no love anymore. I don't know
if I really had any of that a month ago, anyway. Like *really* had them in the
sense that any of it was something more than transitional and temporary. But there
was some small bit of calm to it all. There were no ropes now. Just a mind and body
in pain.

That's not fair. Calling it temporary. She wasn't temporary. At least not in my mind. I couldn't help but
remember the long rides home from work and knowing that she'd be waiting, and
I coudln't help but remember smiling even after she called on my rides home
even if it was usually to discuss some distressing domestic matter.

No. Right now there was just the ceiling and the dull glow of a 13" television
flickering in and out with its loose cable. I turned my head to the right and stared
at the screen. Nothing. Something was on, but I couldn't feel anything or bring
my mind to accept this as any bit more stimulating than simply turning to my left and
staring at the wall.

I played back her discussion about "open relationships." I played back the exiting
of my lunch-break starcraft game to see an AIM message from my erstwhile boss/friend firing
me. I played back her yelling for doing no cleaning all day while I stared at
the screen reading meaningless science articles.

It wasn't so much torturing any more. The large stack of failures that I had
recently managed to pull of. It was more like I was watching it all on that tiny
television. I wouldn't make any sense of this for at least a year. I knew it.

In the meantime I laid around watching a lot of movies. I can't say that it was depression.
Just an extreme need to silence myself and pause my existance until something made sense.

Genesis

2006-02-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Alls I got is my words. You'll have to go see the kitty cat for the eye-sex.